Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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