Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Randomize
