I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
