I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
