I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
