The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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