im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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