if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My penis needs a shock collar
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
