FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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