Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
