Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
