its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Randomize
