so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
