I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
