He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
