you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
