So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
