It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
