how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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