A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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