WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
