Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
