see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Randomize
