Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward