So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
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He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
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After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer