Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
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Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.