Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize