Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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