Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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