I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
