he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
