I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
