when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
