she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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