do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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