pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
