I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
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