I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Randomize
