I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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