My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
