my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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