It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
