you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
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Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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