I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
