I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
