Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
