there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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