just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
