The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
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i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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