This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
