genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why do cheetos always look like penises
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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