The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just pynch a tree in the face
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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