my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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