remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
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I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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