Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize