the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
